Book Reviews: Sedona Good Times

The following is an excerpt from the new book Practical Parenting by Montel Williams. It is published by Mountain Movers Press, a division of Hay House and available at all bookstores, by phone 800-654-5126.

Practical Parenting
by Montel Williams

Practical Parents and Drugs

According to a 1998 University of Michigan study on drug use among American youth, our kids are in more trouble than we think. More than 81 percent of high school seniors reported some level of alcohol consumption, 65 percent had smoked or chewed tobacco, and nearly 50 percent had at least experimented with marijuana.
We set these numbers down as a caution for you readers with older children, and a warning about your younger children’s future. Our experience tells us that it’s never too early to start worrying about the encroachment of drugs and alcohol into the lives of our children—so we worry. The numbers are troubling, and what’s most disturbing about this particular survey is that it covers the so-called good kids—the ones who manage to finish school and move forward positively.
In our poorest communities, where the numbers are even more alarming, drug use has become a way of life—a partner to welfare, a friend to the poor, a pull from education, and a bad model for our children. Drugs (and here we’ll include alcohol and tobacco in the mix) haunt our neighborhoods and destroy the potential of our children.
The keys to winning the battle against drugs are education (only here we want to stress the parents’ education) and a running start. Let’s be practical. No amount of in-school drumbeating is gonna turn those numbers around unless kids get the same message at home—and unless that message takes root at the earliest possible age. It is absolutely essential that parents know the physical, social, and psychological effects of drugs on their children. It’s not enough that these very same parents may themselves have experimented with these very same substances. They need to know these things from a whole new perspective. And, it’s absolutely essential that our children know that their parents will be ever-vigilant on this all-important issue.

Drug Use Is Pervasive Among All Ages

Drug use is no longer limited to teens. Grade-school kids are learning about drugs and experimenting with them at a disturbing rate, at younger and younger ages. In some communities, the age of first experimentation has reached into the single digits! We’ve seen some studies that suggest that some inner-city kids are smoking their first cigarettes at age six or seven! In the past, drug dealers hung out near schools, but now they’ve moved inside. Some kids view drug use as a way of acting older, which seems a perverted extension of the way kids used to smoke cigarettes to act the part. Music and movies help to sell the notion that drug and alcohol use is somehow cool, and accepted, and if we look objectively at the situation, we’ll see that there simply aren’t enough counterbalancing images to go around.
So, first things first. Let’s know what we’re dealing with here. We don’t care what you were into when you were in school, but understand that things look a little different from an adult perspective, from a parent’s perspective. It doesn’t matter if you could roll the tightest joint on your dorm room floor, or pound back beers with the heartiest frat boy—you’ll likely be clueless when it comes to your own kids.
Naturally, the single best evidence you’re likely to find, short of the drugs themselves, is the drug paraphernalia that comes with the deal. Eyedrops, matches or lighters, rolling papers, small metal or glass cylinders . . . if there’s a head shop in your kid’s room, something’s going on. The smell of alcohol, tobacco, or drugs on their breath and on their clothing will soon become evident. Chronic use eventually causes the smell of drugs to emanate from the pores of the skin. As far as the particular smell of each drug is concerned, we’ll make it easy for you: Anything that carries an odor out of the ordinary should be investigated.
Beyond the unusual smells, there are other physical signs to look for, including watery or bloodshot eyes, dilated pupils, and the kind of poor hygiene that leaves your child in the same clothing for days on end. Frequent nosebleeds could indicate chronic cocaine use, and an overwhelming sense of fatigue and a lack of appetite are sure signs that something’s up.
On the behavioral front, you’ll want to look out for any unusual or increased manic energy (for example, a child who can’t sit still); deteriorating relationships with family and friends; a new circle of friends; problems in school; an uncooperative or hostile demeanor; and a sudden loss of interest in lifelong hobbies, sports, or other favorite activities. If your teenage child is an athlete and has had a dramatic muscle gain or increased energy, watch out for steroid use. Also, be aware of any changes in temperament, especially if your child is unable to control his or her temper. This behavior is called “roid rage,” and is caused by the testosterone-like effects of steroid use.
A practical warning: The above signs may not be caused by drug use at all, but may be an indication that the child is experiencing emotional problems or conflicts associated with maturational phases. Something else to consider: Drug use among children may sometimes be a self-medication for emotional or physiological problems that they’re experiencing. Getting them off illegal drugs and placing them on prescription medications (monitored by a physician), along with psychotherapy, is a step in the right direction.

Steering Your Kids in the Right Direction

Parents usually don’t know how to confront their children when they discover a drug problem; it shocks and confuses some, and scares the hell out of others. But there’s a lot you can do to help steer your kids back into healthy, drug-free lifestyles. Confront your children in a calm, objective manner, and express your concern and disappointment. Do not initiate the discussion while they’re under the influence of drugs or alcohol. They won’t listen to what you’re saying, and the situation may quickly get out of control. Instead, wait until they’re sober. You can choose to have the discussion either one-on-one or within a family meeting. Determine what you can possibly do to help.
Ask your kids if they’re using drugs. Assume that they won’t cop to it, but nevertheless tell them about the dangers of drug use, and the negative effects on the body and mind—and on the family. Tell them you love and support them. Try to find out how their drug use began or escalated. Ask them if they want to stop using drugs. Reassure them that you’ll get them help because help is needed and perfectly normal. (Use the cat-climbing-the-tree analogy to sell the point: The cat has no trouble climbing the tree, but it’s hard as hell to climb down!)
If you’re not completely sure whether the drug use is experimental or chronic, don’t hesitate to have your kids evaluated by a health professional (physician or psychologist) who’s experienced in diagnosing adolescents with alcohol and/or drug-related problems. Ask your family doctor, or call a local medical clinic for recommendations.
Experts have discussed the pros and cons of forcing kids to provide urine or hair samples for drug testing. Many are afraid that the tests will put the children on the defensive and cause a communication breakdown. Our thinking on this one is plain: If they’re using drugs, chances are that there’s already a communication problem, so testing them is not going to make it much worse. Therefore, if you need tests to get a better idea of the extent of your child’s drug use, then do it. However, resort to drug tests with extreme caution, and understand that most kids are resourceful enough to confound the results of the test.
Be consistent and firm in your punishment. Don’t be swayed by promises that the drug use will stop. We’ll let you in on a little secret: People on drugs lie, lie, and lie. Why? Well, they don’t want you to know what’s going on, but they’re also in denial. They don’t see themselves as addicts, but more as recreational users—just hangin’ with the homies. To them, it’s no big deal; to you, it’s everything. Here’s where you’ll need to deploy some of that “tough love” you’ve heard so much about. Ask yourself the question: “Do you want to pay now, or pay later?” Better that your kids should get the discipline from you, with their best interests at heart, than from a judge in a court of law, where their best interests often don’t enter the equation.
If you’re not making headway in getting your kids away from drugs, then consider sending them to a short-term, in-patient substance abuse center. It’s not as extreme as it sounds. Quite often these centers are not only able to get kids off drugs, but they also evaluate and address all the behavioral or emotional problems that may be the cause of drug-taking behavior in the first place. At the same time, think about segregating your kids from their drug-using peer group by steering them toward a different group of friends.
Examine your own behavior, conflicts, and family dynamics to see it there are causal factors (for example, your own smoking and drinking habits) that you can eliminate to make life easier for your kids to recover. Children study and emulate most of your behaviors, both consciously and unconsciously. If you don’t believe us, just look at all of your parents’ behaviors that you hated but started repeating anyway (and don’t try to hide those plaid pants and two-toned shoes—we can see them!).
If you smoke, if you drink more than casually, and/or if you take drugs, the chances are greatly increased that your kids may pick up one or all of these habits. You just can’t tell your kids not to drink or use drugs if you’re saying it with a glass of wine in your hand and a cigarette or joint in your mouth. A good time to mend your ways and give up these bad habits is when you start having children, but if it’s too late for that, there’s still time to quit. Talk about your struggle to break these negative habits with your teenage children, and make sure that there’s nothing two-faced about your condemnation of their behavior.
The practical parent is always on the lookout for a shift in a child’s behavior, and it’s never too soon to adopt a vigilant stance on drug use. Talk to your kids before they start using drugs, when the peer pressures of adolescence begin to surface. A socially aware grade-schooler, in many cases, is not too young to handle such a conversation, especially if it’s presented in a thoughtful, constructive tone. Try to be aware of everything that’s happening in your children’s lives, without being intrusive. Keep the lines of communication open. Establish an open-door policy so that your children will get in the habit of talking to you. Then if you work it right, they’ll come to you first with any conflicted feelings on how to handle a particular situation. And whatever you do, don’t preach! This is a tough one, we know, but work at it. We parents love to preach—and so do we therapists and talk-show hosts!—but if you want to be heard, you’ve got to soft-sell your message. Be consistent, and be calm. Be ready to listen. Be quick with praise when your child makes a smart decision.
Know your kids’ friends. Know their parents. Visit their homes, and invite them into yours. Make your house a fun place for your kids to hang with their friends after school and on weekends. Invest in a pinball machine or Ping-Pong table, or a big-screen television. And put on the feed! Often, the easiest way to kids’ hearts is through their stomach, so be sure to keep an unhealthy supply of the snacks and sodas most kids can’t get their hands on in their own homes. Better they should be loading up on sugar and empty carbs under your own roof, then off at someone else’s home, unsupervised, ingesting far worse.
Also, consider signing on to any of a number of family wireless plans or paging services to help keep track of your kids, and to help them keep in constant contact with you in the event of an emergency. Keep a list of all your kids’ friends’ phone numbers, and know where they are at all times. The idea here is not to be suffocating, but to be prudent. If children know they’re being monitored, they’re less likely to color outside the lines.
If you discover that your kids have friends with drug problems, speak to the parents of those kids and express your concerns. You may have to separate or break up the friendships until the drug problems are addressed. Sit down with your children and explain that they can’t be around their drug-using buddies because those kids are emotionally and physically ill. Tell them that as soon as their friends are better, they can hang out again. This is a tough one, we know, but your children may even encourage the drug-using friends to stop taking drugs so their friendships can resume.
Learn what your school district’s policies are regarding drug use. Are they invested in zero tolerance? At what grade do they begin teaching drug education? If it’s second grade, go them one better and start talking to your child about drugs the year before. Visit your child’s school and become part of the policy-making on what kind of drug-abuse education your child will receive. Join school committees that invite outside groups to lecture on the problem.
Know your local politicians, and assertively push for the funding of drug-free activities in your community. Organize local storekeepers or shop owners to clearly ID children who attempt to purchase alcohol or tobacco products. Build a network of like-minded parents, through which any situation out of the ordinary can be easily communicated to other parents and addressed. Sharing experiences about specific approaches to keeping your kids off drugs will be helpful to the other parents, and, at the same time, give you some tips, too.
Drugs will always offer mighty temptations to our young people, just as they tempted many of us when we were young. Reach for as many resources in your community as you can find to answer your questions, and help your kids either stay away from, or get off, drugs. Some of these resources include local clinics, community organizations, clergymen, Big Brother/Sister programs, PAL (Police Athletic League), and DARE (Drug Awareness Resistance Education).

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